REST

 Come to Me, all you who are weary…and you will find rest for your souls.
(The Bible, book of Matthew, chapter 11, verses 28-29)

 

”Chemical Imbalance and Clinical Depression”

The words enveloped me like warm water soaking into my cold skin. It made sense.  After depleting my body of hormones with the Lupron and then overloading my body with hormones for the all procedures, it’s no wonder I ended up ‘imbalanced’.  My hormones and emotions were seriously in chaos.

The Employee Assistance manager told me to go back to my workstation, pack up my belongings and go home.  He assured me that I didn’t have to discuss anything with anyone at work.  He would take care of it.  He let me know that someone would be calling me to schedule an intake appointment for the following day AND that he would be calling me later to make sure I made it home safely.  He stressed the importance of going to the appointment the next day.

I followed his directions.

What I didn’t realize was that I was signing up for a mandatory 30 day outpatient treatment program.  To treat the chemical imbalance, I was prescribed medicine, but to treat the clinical depression, I was required to participate not only in individual and group therapy sessions but in occupational therapy classes as well.  God provided the program as part of His plan to give me rest, to restore my soul and to bring about healing.  It was exactly what I needed.

God placed gifted therapists in my life during these 30 days.  Here are some of the things I learned:

• It’s okay to embrace and grieve something ‘intangible’: People experience grief in lots of different situations, not just when there is a ‘tangible’ death. Those three 6-celled embryos represented more to me than I realized. I needed to grieve the loss of them. Many embryos are lost in the IVF process. It’s part of doing IVF. I never thought I had a right to grieve the loss. I finally gave myself permission to grieve.
• To balance the care of myself – physically, mentally/emotionally, and spiritually: All aspects work together, not separately. I had not been taking the time to do any of these within balance over the past 3 years. Only focusing on one without the others, makes life unbalanced and emotions can quickly become unmanageable. I started an exercise program, developed a hobby, and scheduled a daily meeting time with God.
• I am not alone: In the group sessions I saw other individuals struggling with loss and disappointment. Many of them had turned to alcohol, drugs, and other self-destructive habits to help numb their pain. Each person in the program had to recognize, accept and respect their struggle. There were several individuals with diagnosis I had never come into contact with before. I saw their struggles. I saw their hurt. We recognized each other’s pain. It’s what we all wanted. It’s what I wanted. And, we all learned how to maintain emotional health while in the midst of our disappointments.

I cried every day during those 30 days.  However, they weren’t the same tears that I had cried in my daily commute to and from work in the past.  These tears were healing tears – tears from grief, sadness, and loss.  Now when I was finished crying, I was left with a cleansed and refreshed soul.

As always, Mr. Small Town was very supportive to me during this period.  He patiently listened to me process everything that I was learning.  And, he too, was able to process the loss and grief with me.  He didn’t realize the hidden sadness and disappointment that he carried.  We experienced the grief together.  It was a sweet time in our relationship and we flourished together during this time.  God was in the process of repairing each of our souls.

At the end of the 30 day program, I was faced with the fact it was time to return to work.  I dreaded this day.  I didn’t want to go back.  It wasn’t a place where I flourished and for many years I wanted to quit.  Mr. Small Town wasn’t on board with this idea.

About a week before I was to return to work, I started talking with the Human Relations Department.  I quickly learned that while I had been away, the company had experienced a huge economic downturn.  As a result, they were paying people to quit!   Two months prior to going into treatment, I had celebrated my 10 year anniversary with the company.  Since I had worked at the company for 10 years, I was offered a package deal that would give me 6 months’ salary plus 6 months’ of insurance coverage.

Unbelievable!  I had wanted to quit this job years ago, but I didn’t.  Now, not only had this company paid for me to finish my education and paid for my 30 day outpatient treatment, but it was now paying me to quit!

Skeptically, Mr. Small Town agreed to me taking the deal.

Yipee! I was free!

But now, what was I going to do?  Come back next week and I’ll tell you more of the story!

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Friend, have you experienced grief that wasn’t in the form of something you could touch?  Have you experienced an unbalanced life?  Have you ever wanted to quit?  Have you ever gotten to a place in life where you needed to ask for help?  Have you ever felt God’s healing and rest for your parched soul?  I have.  I get it.

And so does God.

 

 

Blessings to you my friends!

 

 

If you are new to Small Town Girl, I am sharing the backstory to the photo I posted in December.  You can read the posts leading up to this post by clicking here, photo post, post 2, post 3, and post 4.  This is post 5 in the series.

 

 

 

 

 

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