IVF

If you are new to Small Town Girl, I am sharing the backstory to the photo I posted in December.  You can read the posts leading up to this post by clicking here, photo post, post 2, and post 3.  This is post 4 in the series.

 

We met with the IVF doctor to discuss our options.  We told him that we were only willing to fertilize and implant 3 eggs for one cycle.  He did NOT like our decision.

He explained to us the standard IVF plan included multiple egg fertilizations, multiple embryo implantations and freezing leftover embryos.  He told us that our plan would ruin his statistics as a physician and he didn’t know if he wanted to accept us.  We explained to him that after surgery, medications, and multiple procedures, this was our last attempt at conceiving and getting pregnant.  He understood and, reluctantly, accepted us.  We started the process within the week.

Once again, I found myself driving from my house each morning to the doctor’s office, getting procedures and blood work done, and then driving to work.  Except for this procedure, I had to inject myself with hormones every night.  There is a reason why I never went into the medical field – I don’t like needles or blood. I was slowly getting used to the blood draws and monthly shots, but this was something entirely different.  It wasn’t a nurse putting a needle into my skin where I could look away as I waited to feel the prick of the needle – IT WAS ME.  I had to put the needle into my skin.  I had to watch the needle going into my skin.  I had to push the syringe to put the hormones into my skin.  Needless to say, it required much prayer and lots of deep breathing as I conquered this hurdle of IVF.

The actual IVF process was fascinating.  The doctor involved us in the process showing us the detailed microscopic fertilization and the development from 2 to 4 to 6-celled embryo.  I couldn’t help but recall the verse in Psalm 139 verse 13 that said, “[God] knit me together in my mother’s womb.”  Most people don’t even realize they are pregnant at this point of embryonic development and here we were getting a glimpse of our children getting ‘knitted’ together!  It was amazing!

We were thrilled on “implantation” day and went home equipped with more syringes and the hormone progesterone.  This time it was Mr. Small Town’s turn to give the shots as I couldn’t reach the injection area.  It was difficult for Mr. Small Town.  Not only to give the injections but to see the pain and bruising that I was experiencing as the shots were given.  Again, we relied on our sense of humor during this experience.  We were in this together.

Finally, the day arrived for the final blood test to see if the embryos had implanted and there was a viable pregnancy.  I went before work for the blood draw.  I had already made plans to leave work early so I could be home when I received the call.  Mr. Small Town was disappointed that he couldn’t be there at the time of the phone call but he would be home within a couple of hours to be with me.

I can recall certain memories about that day.  I remember the phone call.  I was sitting at the top of the staircase with the phone in my hand.  I remember hearing that the blood test was inconclusive and that I needed to come in the next day for another test to confirm that there indeed was no pregnancy.

I called my folks with the news.  I’m not sure what I said or much of the conversation.  I remember sitting in the dark listening to my sister leaving a message on the answering machine.  I was still sitting at the top of the staircase, in the dark, holding the phone, when Mr. Small Town returned home.  The tears started coming as soon as he held me in his arms.

The next day he took me to the doctors and indeed, the test proved that I wasn’t pregnant.  There was no “official” miscarriage.  The pregnancy, and our three little embryos, just dissolved.

I was grateful that the phone call took place on a Thursday and I had taken Friday off.  I had the weekend to recover and then back to work on Monday.  Disappointment wasn’t anything new to us.  We accepted it and just moved on with life.

The next couple of weeks after that, I just survived.  I went on with life, stuffing the pain and sadness deep within my soul like I had done so many times before.  Mr. Small Town wanted me to talk about it but I didn’t want to.  I had faced disappointment like this before.  I kept my pain hidden and put on my mask that everything was okay.  I didn’t lose a pregnancy since I was never technically pregnant.  It was just three 6-celled embryos.   It was just part of the IVF process.

Until one day, I confessed to him that I didn’t feel like going on.  I was exhausted – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  I wanted to quit and get off this life that I had been living.   I took the week off work.  He got concerned.  He took me to see a counselor.

The counselor meeting was incredibly healing.  She helped me see that this disappointment was much bigger than the other disappointments I had previously experienced.  With this procedure there were three little lives involved that brought so much hope and anticipation to me.  She put her arm around me and told me that she stood with me and recognized my grief, even if this was ‘just’ part of the IVF procedure.  I was grieving for those 6-celled embryos and all the hope that their lives represented.  She also told me that I couldn’t put this grief into a box and be done with it.  God had a process that He wanted me to work through before I could be able to move on from it.  And, it would take some time.

The week off was good.  I thought I was all better.  But one day back at work and I was a mess.  I called a friend who worked in Human Resources.  She told me to go see the Employee Assistance Program (EPA) manager in my building.  I called him, and he said to come see him right away.

After talking with him and telling him about all the infertility treatments I had undergone, the last one IVF, and the disappointments, he took one look at me and said, “You are have a chemical imbalance and are in a clinical depression.  You need help.”

I agreed.

 

Obviously, this was NOT where I wanted to be in my life.  Have you ever found your self at a point in life where you didn’t want to be?  Getting news that you didn’t want to hear?  Staring at an unknown future?  I have.  I get it.

And so does God.

Come back next week and I’ll tell you more about what God did in the midst of this new chapter of my life.