A Plan

You can read the posts leading up to this post by clicking here, photo post, post 2, post 3,  post 4, post 5, and post 6.
This is post 7 in the series.

 

If I was the Author of this story, I would begin this chapter by telling you that I completed the 30 day outpatient program, found out that I was being paid to quit work, AND discovered that I was pregnant!  However, I wasn’t the author and He went another way in writing this chapter of my story.

As I went through the program, Mr. Small Town and I decided to stop all infertility treatments.  We had done everything possible within reproductive assistance and we were more than ready to stop. My sweet sister did offer to be a surrogate for us but in the end, we all knew we weren’t going to pursue that avenue.  We were mentally, physically and spiritually done.  A great relief flooded my soul knowing that my body would not be enduring anymore procedures and hormones.  I experienced such peace with that decision and, for the first time in years, I felt God’s overwhelming presence in my life.

When I was near the end of the program, the therapists stressed to me that I develop a daily plan to keep myself physically, mentally/emotionally and spiritually healthy.  While the program gave me the time, space, and tools to regain a sense of balance, I still needed to continue to improve my wellbeing in the three areas and not slip back into the chemical imbalance and clinical depression.  The therapists certainly didn’t want to see me back in the program and I never wanted to head down that dark road again!  Their only requirement for me was to keep a monthly appointment with my psychiatrist for my medicine and a weekly meeting with my therapist to help process my emotions and check on my progress. But the daily plan was totally up to me.

The first few days being at home were great!  I got to stay home and still get paid for not working.  I no longer had to set an alarm because I didn’t have to go to work or be anywhere at a certain time!  I was beyond relieved that I was no longer in an environment that involved impressing people with the right outfit, maneuvering office politics, or climbing the corporate ladder.  And I certainly did NOT miss the hour long commute to and from work!  I relished in my new laid back lifestyle.  Then, a huge wave of grief hit me.  Whoa!  I wasn’t expecting the feelings to be so overpowering, and confronting them just about threw me off my rocker!  I was very tempted to stay in bed, watch television, and eat food to numb the depression and self-pity that had crept back into my life.  I was thrown for a loop and then I remembered what the therapist had said about ‘having a daily plan’.  I got it and I started putting one together right away.

The therapist said that my plan needed to be daily and with a time schedule.  I started my daily schedule with an alarm.  I set my wakeup at 7 a.m. and I forced myself to get up and exercise.   Since I wasn’t much of an exerciser, I just continued the walking plan that I started during the program.  It wasn’t exciting but I knew I needed to do it.  So that’s what I did.  After the physical component of my day, I would get ready for the day.  I could easily have stayed in my pajamas or work out clothing all day.  But I kept hearing therapists’ words in my ear, “The simple act of taking a shower, getting dressed, doing your hair, and putting on lipstick and makeup, is huge when you are dealing with depression.  If you look good, you will probably feel good.”  So I got out of my pj’s and got myself ready every morning.

I also had to include a daily spiritual discipline in my plan.  After I was ready for the day, I sat down at my kitchen table to spend time with God.  I had not had a consistent, scheduled time alone with God for the past 5 years because I was so focused on work, school, marriage, and, for the last two years, the infertility treatments.  But it wasn’t like I didn’t have a spiritual relationship with God.  I did Bible studies and listened to Bible teachers to learn more about God.  I have always talked with God since I was a little girl.  He was my best friend who I told everything to! I loved the fact that He knew everything about me.  I didn’t have to catch him up on all the details of my life in order for Him to understand who I was or what I was talking about.  We had history together.  He knew me and He knew my heart even when I couldn’t put words to my emotions as I poured out my heart in tears asking Him for strength to be able to get through yet another day.  But now, I realized that most of our conversations had been one sided – me talking, lamenting, and crying to Him.   Now, I desperately wanted to hear from Him.   (I’ll expand more about my spiritual journey in separate post.)

The fourth part of my daily plan was to keep a daily journal of my thoughts and feelings.  Sometimes this would be right after my spiritual time but mostly it was at the end of the day.  Journaling was difficult at first but over time, as I put my pen to paper, the thoughts and words came easily.  (My journaling journey played a significant part of my recovery which I’ll share with you in another post.)

The last component of my daily plan was to get out of my house.  Isolation was a huge part of my life which only contributed to my depression.  It would have been so much easier to stay inside my house, watch television, and eat food in my jammies.  But since I was already dressed and looked good, I decided I might as well leave the house.  My new favorite location was the library.  Who knew?  I hadn’t really read any books in years, except for self-help or business books.  Now I delighted in discovering new authors and genres of books.  I would get lost for hours in the library and got to know my librarian peeps pretty well.

I also started to reconnect with my family.  Since graduating from college, I had been working in the corporate world for about 14 years in total.  I didn’t have the extra time to really connect except for short visits.  Since I no longer had a job, I was able to have extended visits with my family that lived out of state – in that small town where I was raised.

During one of my visits I discovered a box that contained my grandmother’s journal dating from 1915-1918, when she was a single working girl at the telephone company and living in a big city.  My mom had told me about it years ago but my life was too busy to take time to read it.  Now I had the time to read it!

Come back next week and I’ll tell you about her journal and how it impacted me during this time of healing, journaling, and living out my daily plan.

 

Friends, have you had any times that you were overwhelmed with grief when you thought you were done?  Have you wanted to go back to old habits when dealing with life?  Have you ever put a plan in place to help keep yourself emotional, physically and spiritually healthy?  I have.  I get it.

What I’ve learned is that I function better – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – when I have a schedule and a plan in place.  Otherwise, I just float aimlessly in the sea of my emotions, letting my ship go wherever my feelings blow me.

And that’s not a good plan.

Blessings to you my friends!